Silently Suffering

life

Hello blogosphere,

**mental health trigger warning**

Lately I’ve be going through some stuffs — major change of plans and for a while there, I was feeling like I had no control over what was going over my life and.. well, with my mental health, having no control, getting little sleep, and the stress of finals season => *cue the triggering of my latest mental health relapse*. I like to refer to these episodes as losing balance because in reality, that’s what they truly are.. I take on too much, I get too many feels, and *boom* I’m having a panic attack in a corner somewhere. And then I have multiple anxiety attacks, insomnia, and persistent nausea before I realize — right, this is not normal. I need help.

This may seem like a very backwards way of living, but it’s just how my brain works (for now), and I’m still learning how to recognize these patterns of behaviour before they get out hand. However, it’s easier said than done.

This time, I was so excited at the idea of graduating uni next month that drove me into a hyper-energized euphoric state. I was finally happy with the grades I was getting, I was excited to experience life without school, I was day-dreaming about my upcoming travel plans.. I suddenly had so much energy and ideas that I kept losing track of time and one night of 2 hours of sleep became 3 nights of barely sleeping at all, which lead into a week of insomnia. Just like how a computer left running for too long spontaneously shuts down, my body was exhausted and my systems started crashing. I was nauseous,  disoriented, light-headed, physically weak, my heart was beating way too fast, I had a hard time breathing, and I couldn’t regulate my body temperature properly.

Negative thoughts relating to my body image, my social reputation, substance abuse, and self-harm started creeping their way back into my head. The thoughts paired with the physiological symptoms that come with anxious and depressive episodes lead to me checking myself into the hospital on campus.

I have a bad habit of downplaying my conditions when communicating with others (including medical professionals). So it’s not surprising that they turned me away when I asked for a doctor’s note, because they believed that I sounded as though I was “stressed”, and not having a mental breakdown. They even made a point of correcting my language when I said the words, “mental illness” .. they said that my concern was about “mental health, not an illness”. This was both frustrating and infuriating because I have a mental illness. My GP unofficially officially diagnosed me with major manic depression (aka bipolar disorder) nearly 3 years ago. It seemed unfair of them to correct my language before asking me about my whole medical history..

And this was not the first time that I’ve felt belittled by health-care professionals. The last time was by a psychologist at the on-campus counselling offices. She had suggested that I could perhaps be “using my symptoms of my mental state to receive attention.” after our first follow-up appointment. A;lsfdjakl;fjdl;akfjl;askfj;aljf Sighhhhhhhhhhh, NO.

I’m sick, I came to you for help (which takes a lot of courage in the first place). Why are you not listening to me? Is it my fault? Or are you not asking the right questions? Maybe it’s a combination of both. I can’t say for sure. But if there’s one thing that I know: we have GOT to stop treating mental health like a fruit fly, swatting it away whenever it comes around. We need to share our struggles, our revelations, and our growth — we need to start conversations on how health specialists can better help folks who have this invisible illness. They are silently suffering and it’s not fair. If someone had gotten into a car accident, would you say it’s probably because “they were stressed”? Would you say that they got into the car crash because they were “craving attention”?… Whether vulnerable patients are showing physical symptoms or not, everyone deserves the right to be heard, to be validated, and most importantly, to be treated.

Mental health is not a fruit fly, it’s a killer wasp.

 

That’s all for now, my little Ponies. Stay Golden. ❤

 

YoungHumble, out.

My “Coming Out Story”- Pay It Forward.

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Dear friends,

I’ve made a habit of never sharing my personal life with people.. At least not via the cliché fb post, but I feel my story is worth sharing and I’m finally ready to share it, whatever may be the consequences. Please bear with me for the next few minutes, as your views of me will change a great deal.

————————————————-
In May 2014, I was medically diagnosed with chronic major manic depressive disorder (better known as bipolar depression). Most of the symptoms started when I was 18 turning 19. I was given a prescription and told to ‘find a higher power’.

[I didn’t, btw– take the meds or find a religion.] Now, this may come as a surprise to most ppl because I tend have an image of light-heartedness and satire, but that is not the entire version of who I am. I guess you could call it, Me Version 0.5…

After learning of my diagnosis, I did nothing about it. I lived in complete denial, silently suffering from episode to episode for about 9 months until late February 2015. My parents didn’t (and still don’t) understand why I couldn’t just “snap” out of it or “smile and cheer up”. I know it wasn’t their fault– they just are not educated on mental health.

As a distraction, I tried drowning myself in work, taking on more courses, more tasks, and more commitments than I knew I could handle, and eventually got really physically sick (think dry heaving and feeling clammy ALL THE TIME). It also didn’t help that I felt so (SO!) lonely because I didn’t want to burden my friends with the news ..although I did eventually confess to a couple confidantes. Panic attacks, anxiety spells, delirium, memory gaps, temper tantrums, weight gain, random outbursts of tears, restless nights ..I once went 72 hours straight without sleeping. It was just a terribly ugly mania/depressive episode, the worse one yet if I remember correctly. Those were just a few of the uncontrollable symptoms I was ignoring because I just refused to believe someone like me, a first generation Chinese-Canadian born and raised into a “healthy” and loving environment, could have a mental, neurobiological abnormality.

The truth is, anyone can be affected– even someone like me, who is about to enter her 4th year of studying sciences with a focus in Brain and Behaviour (sounds like I should be studying more eh?). Mental health issues are just as terrifying and common as physical ones. The only difference is that mental health is being carried with a social stigma and easily concealed thus, flies under the radar. Look around and tell me public accommodations for people living with physical disabilities. Now look around and tell me the public accommodations for people living with physical and mental disabilities. Last one, tell me where the accommodations are for the people living with “just mental health” issues. Do you get what I’m hinting at?

It wasn’t until I started having suicidal ideations that I hated and was terrified of the person I was becoming. I felt like my soul was slowly being tormented and consumed by my ‘depressive self’. It scared the jellybeans out of me when it hit me, and so I booked it to UBC counselling services.

——–

Fasting forward to the present, I can now happily announce that after nearly 5 months of hard-work reconditioning my mind and reconnecting with my spirituality, I finally feel like Anna Jin Version 2.0 (the version I was expecting to be after surviving freshman year). My prognosis has never looked better! I’m now dealing with depressive and anxious symptoms, but not the full-blown ordeal. In other words, my mental health still has some glitches and I still need to ‘debug’ quite a few things (Lol am I using this comp sci jargon right?), but I’m on my way to a happier and healthier me. ❤

I can never repay what they have done for me down at Brock Hall and what my best friends have done to support me through all of this… all I can do is pay it forward. So, here I am today, reaching out to you folks. If you suspect you or someone close to you, have/has a mental health issue….SHARE. To your mom, dad, sibling, half-siblings, step-parents, bf, gf, TA, bbf, bffl, bae, Sam Smith, me, or the many local crisis hotline — anyone, really! The lovely people down at UBC are professionally trained and specialize in counselling psychology (or another similar degree) so that they can guide you towards your dreams, passions, and true self, and away from the life-dimming effects of your mental condition.

Figure out if counselling might be helpful for you, because trust me when I say that those 9 months of denial was more mentally exhausting and excruciating than I could have ever imagined. They were some of the most painful times for someone who generally has a high pain tolerance (I love spicy foods). I would never wish that upon anyone, not even on the Devil, because let’s be real here, the emotional scars ain’t pretty and they can run very deep. :/

Thank you for taking the past few minutes to read my so-called, “coming out” story. Apologies if it bummed you out with all the seriousness, but I hope you’ll share this message with others as well. It’s time to talk, people. Don’t delay the HAPPY, chase it (seriously, what are you waiting for, hm? ;D ).

With Love; Yours Truly,

AJ.

As always– Stay Golden, my little ponies ❤