I am BAE.


Living in the hustle bustle of a city is not easy. I think we sometimes forget to give ourselves a break and breathe. Personally, I keep myself busy with work, never really giving myself the breathing room for errors — which is not a smart thing to do, especially for someone with anxiety. In hindsight, that’s probably why everything went haywire the last couple of weeks. I wish I could say that I didn’t see it coming, that it was unexpected. But if I was honest with myself, I knew it. I knew after my second night of insomnia and ecstatic high, that at some point I would hit a low point. What I couldn’t predict was how hard it has been and how prolonged the process of picking myself back up would be.

I feel as though I’ve been trying too hard to have good days. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve also been very critical of my situation. This almost automatic, negative backtalk I give myself only feeds my anxiety. Instead of worrying about whether I am able to take my next exams and what the consequences will be if I don’t, I should be focusing on healing myself. I should be focusing on treating myself before anything else. I am BAE. And to all my little ponies, who are struggling with life right now, you are BAE. Even if it feels uncomfortable and like an inconvenience, put yourself and your well-being above everything else. You’ll thank yourself somewhere down the road, when you’re not run-down from the life’s wear and tears, popping medication to manage your weak cardiovascular condition, having a mid-life crisis, and wondering how you could have lived a better youth.

The time to start being kind to yourself is now. Give yourself a break, step back and recognize all the ways you have succeeded in the past years. Stop over-analyzing all the ways you could have done better. Reflection is healthy because it promotes growth, but living in the past will destroy your self-confidence. You are not that person anymore and you cannot change the past, so learn from your could haves/ should haves/ would haves, and move on. Become your loudest cheering squad, your best friend, your mom — push yourself with the kindest encouragement and check-in with your physical/emotional/mental state often. Access what your primary necessity is before moving on with your actual work. Eat well, sleep well, and take care of your body, because YOLO; You only get to live once, so live well– make this one life all you’ll really need.


Write to Live (Part I)


There’s no denying the fact that I write to live, and hopefully, live to write. For instance, I’m having a strong compulsion to write this at 4 am in the morning while still half asleep. Why, you may ask? Well, I was woken up by a violent crying fit and asked myself the  question, “When was the last time you wrote anything?”. And there it was, my short-term and probably long-term solution to my never-ending list of issues.

I always forget.

I know my blog exists, the reasons I’ve created it, and the goals I wish achieve from it, but I always forget to actually click the link, read what I have written, and write for therapy.

2016 had hit me like a truck. Actually, it felt like I was hit by multiple trucks: new job, new responsibilities, new living conditions, new diet, new classes, new relationships.. My life was undergoing a lot of reconstruction and the overloading change drove me off the edge yet again. By the end of the first week, I had about 20 hours of sleep in total and 2 panic attacks within 4 days. And although it was only a week, it felt like a month had passed. I needed help and I needed it fast. But during the second week in trying to recover, I felt like an octopus reaching out all its tentacles to grab hold of whatever resource I could find, but grasping nothing. Finally, I reached out to a special friend and she asked me, “When was the last time you wrote anything?”.

And there it was. When I first realized that I had forgotten again. Then it only took me about another month  to actually write something.

Do you love and take it easy once in while, my Little Ponies.

Stay Golden,